I'll Be Back...

Thats right I'll be back in a couple of weeks. I am done work here in Shilo tommorow and with it goes my internet connection for a bit. That and this next week is going to be so stinking busy I don't think I'll be able to write anything. And then the week after that... well I'll be gone to an undisclosd location for half of it and the other half will be moveing all our stuff to s-toon and settling in to our new place, as well as getting ready for school again. But after that we should have the internet so I'll be able to write again. Other than that for those who haven't asked... Yes the preperations for the wedding are going good. Things are happening real fast and the small details that need to be delt with are becomeing apparent. But its all good and we are now praying for good weather and a good calming of the nerves. So with that said I plan on doing some real good bikeing this next week... It'll help with the nerves thing, that and I've been dieing to do some good bikeing so this is a good excuse.

Ok i was going to write more but that is for a diferent blog. Besides I might have a different perspective on it by the time i can post again. I'll have to let you know.... maybe.... we'll see.

All...By...My...self....

One thing that i've realised over the last few years is that I am most alone when there are lots of people around. It's wierd I know but its so true... when I am all by myself in the middle of nowhere is when I feel the most like i belong. Its something that has haunted me and makes me wonder sometimes whats wrong with me... I mean I do like being around other people... I not turning into some hermit or something... but as some of my close friends know that being around other people for me means a little different than it does with some others. I realised at school the last two years that if i was haveing a stressful day i would do something that most people would consider strange. I would go to Tim's all by myself and get my hot chocolet and my bagel and study those fellow humans that came around me. I know I'm a wierd person but its rather interesting what you can learn by mearly paying attention to the little things. ok enough of the wierd side of me... I'll go on to the other part... being in the middle of nowhere... I love it, mostly becouse.... well I don't really know. It's so vast and amazing. I guess the one thing a like about it is that I feel closer to God somehow when I'm out there. I like going for walks out in the middle of nowhere by my self and really talking to God one on one out loud. Just like He's walking right next to me. It seems so much more real and personal that way. I just lay out whatever I'm thinking and just let His presents wash over me. I guess i get that same sort of feeling sometimes when I'm in a large place where no one knows me and the thongs of humanity are all around and I once again feel so alone yet not. Being to watch tose around me and see how God made each one of the billions of us on earth so different. Even identical twins are different in so many ways if you just watch them for a bit. I guess in the end I can say I just enjoy being amongst God's creation no matter where it is. I still have to say I like the vast outdoors and being really alone better.

Spiritually blah

Have you ever had a day where you felt rather spiritually blah? I have in fact it was this past sunday. I was playing bass with the worship team and for some reson i couldn't get into it... at first i just blamed the fact that the music wasn't challangeing for the most part and i'm getting board plaing bass... but it was more than that... throughout the whole service i just kinda was there and unable to tap into... well anything. I know that thoughout the summer months my personal devotions have been lacking and i've had allot on my mind, but that is no excuse! Well for me anyway. It was really wierd seeing a service from that position again... its been awhile and i really liked it the other way, not being disconected from what was going on... The thing is that i've really started to think about what is in a sevice that makes me want to worship God. I know that good music with a really tight band is something i've always enjoyed but its not what i'm looking for... i've been in services that the band was awsome and yet it still lacked, on the other hand i've been in services that the music really sucked and yet i got lots out of it... On to something else, I've always enjoyed playing bass in a service becouse i know that no matter how bad I screwed up God still thought it was good if done with the right intentions... something that i've started when playing and some people that i've played with may attest to this is that I try to pray that we as a band and me as an instument remeber that its all about God not me or what the audiance thinks.

I think i might have found what i'm looking for... We as the church need to seek God first and formost in our time with Him whether it is personal devotions or in a gathering such as church or chapel. i know it may seem rather like a sunday school answer but if you really think about it do we really seek his face in our time with Him or do we go through the motions we have been taught by the "mature" Christians. Something i've been trying to get into the habit of is that when I pray i want it to be me talking to a God that is right beside me whether it is in church at a band practice, in the dirt at work, in a exam, or anywhere... not some god up in the clouds that i need to impress with fancy words or expressions. This is how i figure it... my God knows me and my needs much better than i do and therefor i don't need to talk to him as i would some stranger... I need to talk to him as my best friend and hold nothing back... if that means crying out to him in angush or anger, or talking to him about some almost meaningless topic, or asking advice about any desicion you have to make then by all means do so.

ok back to the spiritually blah thing... its really wierd feeling that i can't really discribe but nothing really seems to help it... I've felt this way before and really hate it because when feeling this way i crave the feeling of being spiritually alive and yet at the same time loath those who seem to be just that. And worse of all I now I shouldn't do that. Some extreme Christian groups would say that i'm being oppressed by demons or something but they say that about any type of depression as well... so what causes this attitude/feeling? I think its just my lack of spiritual food making me weak or someting like that.... whatever it is I know i need to get back to reading my Bible and talking with God.

Struggles

Its amazing how much time we can spend as people, struggling with ourselves. I know that it is something that i do all to often... or is it often enough? You see that within ourselves we have our moral code that we jeneraly live our lives by. This code is ingraind into us throughout our lives. I don't know if it's nessessarly just our childhood or our life experiances that dictates what this vast variaty of codes that we humans have are, but i do know that out of this code our conscience's potency is derived. For some their conscience is much stronger than for others. This is something that seperates many people from each other. You see, one of the things that in todays world has been compromised and seered from many of our consciences is our morals. This is one of the things that really bug me about todays world. I work in a place that morals arn't exactly at there best... and this just goes on to add to what the world is already throwing at me. I struggle within myself often about where that really thin line should be. I have one side telling me that what i believe is wacked out yet the other side isn't pushing all that hard in compairson to show me otherwise. I know what i believe and from all my life experiences and what i've been tought and what i've learned through my "religion" I know it to be true. I just thank God that my conscience is as strong as it is... I just wish that it was easyer to distinguish what is morally right and wrong. It seems that everyone has a different view. I know that we as humans since the fall are inherently sinners and we have to struggle to do whats right. No matter how we put it one day we will discover where that thin line was... I pray that i'll stay on the right side of that line.


wow that was kinda gloomy... oh well thats the mood i'm in right now...

I'm Back

yep i'm back.... back from where some of you might ask. Well i had the last week off of work (I still got paid... vacation such a wonderful thing) and spent a good part of it in Saskatoon looking for an apartment. Ya so that didn't go so well... maybe it's just becouse i've never done it before or that I wasn't agressive enough in looking but the short of the long of it is that i didn't find one in the 4 days i was there.... I did however have some good times with some friends there, and finaly after liveing in s-toon for two years went to poverinos for a meal, it wasn't that half bad. So really i don't know the point of this blog exept to say that i am really at a loss at what to do... i don't get any more time off till the week befor the wedding and we still don't have a place to live... so please pray for us that something will open up soon... ok so i'll talk to you all later....